Taking My Own Advice
I have noticed that I don't have babies around here anymore. Olin is potty training himself. Breccan starts Kindergarten in the fall, and Olin is leaning hard into the Terrible Twos. Trying to keep up with both their needs and tantrums has been a load of work. I realized I was not practicing the basic tenets of what I talk about on this blog.
Do you find yourself in that position? Giving everyone else advice and then not following it yourself? Or telling everyone that it's okay to abandon perfectionism only to criticize yourself for every small misstep. It's a form of hypocracy, but worse than that, it is a form of self-sabotage.
I was trying to do all the things, but I was doing them all badly. I was not allowing myself to enjoy this stage of parenting. I was trying to focus on both my blogging and my parenting and my mental health at the same time. I was doing all three of those things poorly. I was frustrated with my kids wanting to play or having normal issues. I was frustrated with blogging, not feeling like I was doing my best writing and failing to engage in the blogging community. And my mental health and self esteem were suffering. I was stuck in a place where I was trying to get better, but I couldn't get better because I was kneecapping myself by not following the things I know work. The things I was promoting (mindfulness, positive self-talk, and self care) as steps that ease symptoms of anxiety and depression and mood instability.
I looked at Breccan's hands today and realized they were turning into the knuckly hands of a young boy, not a toddler's little paws. Olin is running around yelling in full sentences, ready to take on the world too. I know, when school over takes our lives and time hits that vortex of sports and science fairs and movie nights, that I will sometimes long for these days when they need me so much.
So I've stepped back. I'm reevaluating priorities and goals and allowing myself to fully relax when I get a few moments. I'm enjoying my last summer of having my two boys at home with me. September will bring a new rhythm to our lives with the start of school. I can see my life getting less chaotic when Breccan is settled in a school routine. And once I feel like I've enjoyed life being a bit easier, then I'll work on being more present in this space.
Until then, I'll pop in from time to time. But until then, you'll find me and my boys in the pool, at the beach, in the woods, or at the park! Viva summer!